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Ghosts_of_Angels
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Name: Chris
Location: Beaumont, Texas, United States
Birthday: 10/27/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, Art, Running (when i can covince myself to do so), Hanging out. Taking occasional trips to the beach. Watching movies. Reading is neat. Having the occasional intelligent conversation. Writing poetry.
Expertise: Eating your soul
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  Raven42881
Member Since:
8/23/2004
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| Every time I have a birthday, I like to reflect on how things have changed over the last year. Usually, it's a lot of minor changes and maybe one huge change but for the most part, life remains the same. However, this year's reflection has left me...I can't really even find a word for it. I live in a new city. I get to live with one of my best friends, and I've gotten a chance to reconnect with a few people that I haven't spent a lot of time with over the years. However, many of my best friends from years ago are moving on, and my new friends, I left behind. Graduate school is harder than I thought, and in all honesty I should be doing much better than I am. I can't even call my home, my home anymore. Home is where your family is, and as of right now, it's broken and there's nothing I can do to fix it. This is all just strange for me. To feel like you have no one, and nothing. To find happiness in this amalgamation of change and uncertainty is shaping up to be a very daunting task for me. Sometimes do you ever wish to wake up and realize that the last few years of your life have been a dream? Sometimes I just wish I could start over, hit the reset button, call a mulligan. Anything to establish some kind of familiarity in my life. I don't deal with change in large doses very well and I'm finding this out the hard way. Happy birthday to me :)
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| What do you do when something is the same for almost 24 years...and then in one single instant...it's completely different. Nothing you do or say can change it. During the times in your life where everything seems to change so fast, I think everyone tries to look for one things that's familiar and gives them comfort. Apparently I have to look somewhere else for that now. Whoever said "The more things change, the more they stay the same"...I present this argument, "Fuck you". Hopefully there's a silver lining hiding somewhere in this storm.
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| Again...I can't sleep. Yet I'm so tired...oh so tired...but whenever I lay down to sleep...i just can't. I guess this is how Ed Norton felt in Fight Club...just like old times....
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| All of the thoughts that I wrote in my previous entry...I hate that I think them. I hate that I can't find God in anything that happens in this life anymore. Maybe I need to go to confession. Maybe a priest can give me some answers. I feel that losing my faith makes me an enemy of God. I don't want to be that way. I want to see him in parts of my life like I used to. I want to feel his presence again. God...if you're talking...I'm all ears...
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| I think I've finally done it...I think I've lost my faith. The one thing that has kept me going and I've lost it. Where is God? I've asked for him to give me guidance and so far there has been no answer that I can see. I'm deeply saddened that I can no longer find Him in my life. In the last week I have seen 21 year old girls get murdered by drunk drivers...and no one does anything about it because they don't want to "profile" people. Well...fuck you. Fuck you, you fucking assholes. Someone is dead and nothing is being done about it because you dont want to upset the status quo. A brother and sister get murdered 10 minutes from my house and you want to sit on your ass doing fucking paper work. What in the fuck is wrong with this world. It's brother against brother...man against man. Where are you God? If you love us so much...then why do You let things like this happen? If you want to teach us a lesson...then the lives of good people are not good teaching tools. Why do they have to die so that we will learn?
I wish every day that I was there. Saving people. That's why I want to be a doctor. To save those who deserve to be saved. Actually...I wish I could save everyone. From murder caused by bigotry, hate, self loathing,..from whatthefuck ever. But none of us will ever be saved will we? You'll just keep letting us die until we learn? Since the beginning of time haven't you learned anything about us, God? We never learn...ever. We will keep killing each other...a never-ending sacrifice to your ever present understanding and cooperative nature. Maybe it's time you start turning people into pillars of salt again. It's time for some old testament justice. Anything to make us aware of your presence in our lives...because right now...whatever you're doing is NOT working...
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